Europe – A Five Stan Review

I now understand that the Euros had one goal when bringing me along on this trip: continuing their elaborate plan to convince Americans, one-by-one, that Europe is better than anywhere else. (And gosh darnit if I wasn’t such a stubborn nationalist, they just might have convinced me!) When we left off, I was sitting in a Lithuanian hotel room after the longest drive of our tour en route to Warsaw, Poland. The second leg of the trip was exponentially more taxing than the first, as we would arrive in each city, go straight to a signing, get dinner, and then hang out at the event sapce and kiss babies until the movie would play (which in most of these cities wasn’t until Midnight.) Each premiere was followed up with a scheduled afterparty, where we were given dollar bills with Haldor, Eiki, Tor, and Kevin’s face on them, to take care of our libations.

On a mellow night we would make it back to the hotel by 3:00 am, whereas a raucous night would go well past sunrise. The catch of it all being that we had to be on the bus around 8 am in order to make it to the next signing on time. Needless to say we all pushed the limits of how much drinking was physically possible on no sleep, especially after people would buy bottles of tequila for Haldor that he graciously shared. So without further ado – here is my five Stan review for the remaining four European cities of the BYNDxMDLS and Sexual Snowboarding Tour.

This was decidedly the best stop on the trip and it likely came from the fact that we had low expectations for the city and where somewhat well rested. I don’t think many snowboarders visit Warsaw, so we were treated like actual rock stars. The movie premiered in the largest building in all of Poland, and kids told me after the premiere that because the theater sold out, they bought tickets to other movies and snuck in. The room was explosive with noise after countless tricks and in true rock show fashion, someone even lit a joint right in the theater. No movie tour will ever exist like this in America. After the movie, the autograph signing lasted for an hour and we then walked to an outdoor club equipped with a rap group from Canada and a pocket lined with Monster money. From that point on, we all raged together – as kings.

Highlight: Reading a handwritten note from Johannes and Eiki that I was not allowed to read until I was on stage. It noted that I thought America sucked, and I had a skinny penis.

Immediately upon arriving to an empty shop to do a signing, we realized that the Berlin stop would pale in comparison to the reception we got in Warsaw. Despite Berlin being Germany’s biggest city, the massive skate culture does not translate into an appreciation of snowboarding – not really a surprise. The premiere took place in an upstairs club right near the Spree, a fast moving river that cuts through Berlin. Legally, you are not supposed to smoke inside in Germany, but that literally stopped no one from doing so. The constant haze of cigarettes would become commonplace for the rest of the trip, for in most of Eastern Europe you can smoke in bars. I quickly began to appreciate the smoking laws in the US. As you can imagine, the small turnout to the premiere did not prevent us from completely sending it that night and we took the party back to our swanky hotel where it raged well into morning. The next morning Kevin kept his bathrobe on for the entire ride to Prague.

Highlight: Deep in party mode I ripped Haldor’s shirt Hulk Hogan style. As I had taken my shirt off at least 30 minutes prior to doing this, I argue with everyone, “WHAT ARE SHIRTS EVEN FOR!?”

While Warsaw was my favorite stop on the trip, I could never deny that Prague was the craziest. The city itself was absolutely breathtaking, because it’s perhaps the only major European city to avoid bombing during World War II. The intricate and colorful buildings connected by winding cobblestone roads bled culture with every ancient stone. If anything, the only thing keeping Prague from being the best was that it was in fact TOO crazy. It was this stop that actually had me wondering if I was going to survive this trip. The movie premiere took place at a night club P.M. Bar and was sponsored by Jack Daniels. There was a better girl-to-guy ratio in the men’s room than there are at most American premieres. With at least 700 people at this event, I was astonished as a good number of people stumbled up to me asking, “HOW MANY STANS ARE WE GOING TO GET??” Breaking glass on the floor seems to be a pastime of people in Czech night clubs, as does not picking broken glass on the floor. As Techno music blasted, people passed around free liquor bottles until they couldn’t stand up anymore. Somewhere near 3 am the crew ended up in a bar fight with two Czech MMA fighters, that somehow, we all came out of OK.

Highlight: Hyping up the crowd so that Haldor and Eiki could stage dive. This was immediately followed by a full out champagne shower for the European Monster TM’s Birthday.

By this stop my hands were shaking, I had no voice and the weather was rainy. That combined with the fact that we had been drinking and partying for roughly 8 days straight, it was hard for the team to hold it together. This was unfortunate, because of all the places we went on the tour, this was the first actual mountain town. We went to a shop called Blue Tomato and Haldor and Eiki gave away a Lobster board which they customized with a hacksaw. After the signing and countless autographs and selfies, we made it to the bar. Despite dealing with the first technical difficulties of the tour, we were able to show the movie to a very packed cigarette-smoke-filled room. Peoples reactions were not as loud as other stops, though many compliments came from people after the movie. Having officially gone too hard too many times, the team stayed at the bar until about 2:30 before retreating back to the hotel and passing out. Desires to go big on the last night were overthrown by our inability to talk, stand, think straight….you get the idea.

Highlight: At Blue Tomato, the winner of the custom board contest walked up to me and handed over a customized “#Burtongate” t-shirt that he and his friends had made from a promotional Burton t-shirt they received. I was honored and surprised. Europe likes me guys, they really like me!

And with our final round of hugs after a large breakfast in the morning, just like that….the craziest trip of my life would come to an end.

Oh wait, I’m still in Austria? That’s right, by the time you are reading this I will be on the Hintertux Glacier waiting for the apres scene to pop off!

STAY TUNED FOR SNAPCHAT THE MOVIE.

HERE ARE SOME SICK PHOTOS BY DIGGLES!

No one Warsaw this coming.